


Commitment

by Cinnamongirl



Series: Motherfucking Sorcerer Continuity [9]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anal Sex, Anders has trust issues, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hawke has trust issues too, Jealousy, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, communication is important, they both have self-esteem issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-05 06:21:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1808527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamongirl/pseuds/Cinnamongirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Immediately after the end of DA2, Hawke and Anders run into Amell and Zevran. Hawke starts doubting Anders and himself, and their relationship in general.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Garrett

Isabela had told Garrett to stop punishing Anders. “You're completely justified--no pun intended--if you want to leave him, but if you decide to stay then you can't keep taking it out on him. It's not fair.” Garrett tried to point out that he wasn't trying to take anything out on Anders, but she didn't seem to believe him. After all, if he forgave him (and he did), why was everything still so uncomfortable? Anders, for his part, wouldn't stop apologizing and asking what he could do to fix things. Garrett set a moratorium on apologies after two days of hearing them nonstop, but he didn't have an answer. He wanted their relationship to be okay again. If he knew what would make that happen, he would tell Anders to do it and Anders probably would do it, and everything would be fine. The only problem was that he didn't know, and he couldn't pretend that things were okay.

There was a lot of time to stew in uncomfortableness while they were escaping on Isabela's ship. Garrett kept thinking about how his life would never be the same again, and he frequently caught himself wanting things to go back to normal. He always felt guilty afterward. Life in Kirkwall had never really been normal, with the Templars slowly increasing in power and closing in from every direction. It wasn't Anders' fault that everything had fallen apart, he reminded himself. It was mostly Meredith's fault, or possibly the Chantry's fault because they controlled the Templars in the first place. Maybe that was why Anders targeted the Chantry? Garrett wanted to believe that he'd had a good reason, but Anders wouldn't talk to him much about it other than to say he was sorry and to express astonishment that Garrett had let him live. Garrett was actually kind of surprised that he hadn't heard any “Justice made me do it”-type excuses. He wasn't sure if that would make him feel better or worse. He was sure that if Anders had come to him months ago with a reasonable explanation for why the Chantry really needed to be blown up, or even asked for help with minimal explanation, he would have been supportive. There had to have been a good reason. It had seemed very extreme and counter-intuitive at the time, but SOMETHING needed to happen and nothing else had worked, and they did manage to save the Circle from Annulment in the end. 

Garrett and Anders had both been very busy during most of their relationship. Anders had his clinic and work with the Mage Underground. Garrett had assorted tedious obligations as a member of the nobility and, later, the Champion of Kirkwall. He also co-owned a mine, and he was frequently called on to help lots of people in Kirkwall with their various problems. Garrett was too high-profile to officially join the Underground, but he assisted them when he could and used his status to help the cause in ways that others couldn't. Despite the fact that both of them were frequently gone for days at a time and were always exhausted when they were home, Anders and Garrett made it a priority to spend time together regularly. If nothing else, they had sex semi-frequently, ate meals together sometimes, and occasionally talked about something other than mage freedom. Even toward the end, while Kirkwall was falling apart and Garrett could tell that Anders was under increasing strain, he assumed that their relationship was still strong because they had similar values and priorities and they were still managing to carve out time for each other.

When they were fighting together while the city burned around them, it was like nothing had changed. Garrett felt confusion and fear prickling in the back of his mind, but there were much more urgent things to worry about, like killing Templars and getting the fuck out of Kirkwall. Now, though, everything was quiet and uncomfortable. After he and Anders had agreed on a tentative plan of action (get far away as quickly as possible and find somewhere semi-permanent to live and a source of income, then check on the status of the mage freedom movement and try to help) and after Anders had stopped apologizing, they fell into an awkward silence. Garrett started to worry that they didn't actually have anything to talk about. They had never really argued much before, and when they did, it was almost always because one or both of them was under too much external stress. He and Anders had never really spent much time talking about their relationship, either. There had been the initial relationship conversation where he asked Anders to live with him, and there was the one where they both agreed to block off at least occasional time alone together no matter what else was going on, and... that was about it. He wasn't even completely sure _how_ to talk about whatever was currently happening.

Fenris and Isabela didn't help the situation. Garrett had been worried about how Fenris would cope with the fact that he just risked his life and gave up his home to save a lot of mages, but he didn't seem to be having any problems. Fenris and Isabela were constantly doing some combination of drinking, telling jokes, and loudly fucking each other. Garrett wasn't sure it was possible to have that much sex on a boat without being nauseated, but he assumed that there was some secret pirate trick to it.

Garrett thought that it was probably a bad idea for Anders and Fenris to be together in an enclosed space for too long, so he started looking for a place to part ways with them. When he heard that they were near Rivain, he and Anders decided to land there. Strangely, Isabela didn't seem to want to spend any time in Rivain and she wouldn't explain why. Part of Garrett's reasoning behind going there had been that he heard the Chantry didn't have much influence, so maybe they would be relatively safe. Once they actually started walking around, Garrett started feeling more nervous. He had forgotten that the Qunari DID have a lot of influence in Rivain. He also hadn't thought about the fact that he and Anders didn't look Rivaini at all. He felt very exposed and out of place.

They were in a small harbor town with one inn. Garrett paid for a room there. He silently thanked Varric for making sure that he escaped with enough money to last a while. Next, they headed to the market (if a handful of vendors selling their wares out of booths could even be called a market) to try to buy food and supplies. Garrett had assumed that most people who were in the trade business would speak the Trade tongue, but apparently that didn't extend to street merchants. He was so busy struggling to communicate that he didn't notice the figure in a dark cloak walking up to Anders until it was too late and the person had their arms around him. Garrett was weighing the risks of using magic in the middle of the street when the person let go. Anders didn't look confused or surprised, only afraid. He apparently knew what was going on and hadn't bothered to tell Garrett this information. Garrett wasn't even surprised anymore. The person spoke, “Hey, is there somewhere private where we can talk?” Garrett noticed immediately that the voice sounded female, and spoke Trade perfectly. Weirdly, she also seemed to have a Fereldan accent. 

“We're staying at an inn nearby,” Anders said. “But he's coming with us.” He gestured to Garrett. The hooded woman nodded, and they walked back to the inn. Garrett knew that he should be worried about the potential upcoming ambush, but he was preoccupied with thoughts about how Anders had wanted him to be there. Maybe he was counting on Garrett to protect him from whatever was coming? That was oddly reassuring.

There didn't seem to be anyone out of the ordinary in the inn, and nobody was waiting for them in their small room. When they stepped inside and locked the door, the woman lowered her hood. Garrett's first thought was that she looked about as Rivaini as Anders did, with her pale skin and red hair. He noticed that Anders just looked resigned. Was somebody going to tell him what was going on? As if on cue, Anders said “I suppose introductions are in order. Sal, this is my- Garrett Hawke.” _Not boyfriend or partner or anything?_ thought Garrett. “Garrett, this is your cousin, Warden-Commander Amell.”

It was the Hero of Ferelden, the one who had saved Anders from the Templars by conscripting him into the order that caused him a lot of pain and started the events that led to him becoming possessed. The Wardens had finally come to drag him back. Garrett was preparing to fight, when the Warden-Commander put her arms around Anders again. Garrett realized that she was hugging him. 

“Anders! How are you? Your hair looks good like that!”

“Er...” Anders stammered.

“Zevran told me about meeting the Champion of Kirkwall and I thought his boyfriend sounded a lot like you! Apparently you guys helped Zev out, and then you blew up a Chantry and killed a Grand Cleric and a Knight-Commander? That is so badass!” Garrett was completely speechless. They'd been on land for less than a day and they'd already been found, but the way she was reacting was completely inexplicable. He was almost too confused to be afraid. 

“Hold on,” Anders looked thoughtful. “Zevran Arainai? Short guy, tattoos, stares luridly at everyone? _He's_ the assassin you were dating?”

Garrett looked back and forth between the two of them, still confused.

“Yes!” said the Warden. “They already sent more people after him, which is why we're here. He's actually meeting with someone right now but he should be back soon. We have a room here, too. I noticed you were trying to buy food, do you want to go back to our room to eat and wait for him?”

“So, are you trying to bring me back to the Wardens, or not?” asked Anders. “Because I'm not going.”

“Oh, no, of course not. I left them too. Don't worry!”

This was apparently enough for Anders, because he followed her out of the room. Garrett blinked a few times and then came along with them. This was not at all what he had expected, but it was good that there hadn't been a fight.

The Warden (ex-Warden?) ordered some food from the bar and went back to another small room. Once inside, she bowed to Garrett. “I'm Salome Amell, pleased to meet you.”

“Uh, likewise.”

She took off her cloak, and he was surprised by how _normal_ she looked. He knew the Hero of Ferelden was a mage, but he always pictured someone who looked more like Aveline; stern and powerful in her gleaming armor. He'd always assumed that the Hero was much older than him, too. Salome had the red hair, but she did not look capable of running five miles while carrying a cow over her head. She wasn't muscular like Aveline or curvy like Isabela or even slender like Merrill. Salome was just... squishy-looking, and barely the same age as him, if not a little younger. She was wearing a simple shirt and trousers that would be indistinguishable from the clothes of most villagers, except for the fact that they appeared to be clean and in good repair. She'd apparently invested in high-quality leather boots, but even these were very plain. Nothing about her appearance suggested “Hero of the Fifth Blight” or even “mage.” 

“So, Sal,” Anders said while they sat down at a table, “What's going on? Why the mysterious cloak routine?”

“I really stand out here, and I AM technically a fugitive.”

“So what happened with the Wardens? I remember that you disappeared.”

“It was actually because of you, Anders.” She turned to Garrett and explained, “It wasn't even my choice to join the Wardens, but I got to leave the Circle so I decided to be loyal to them because it seemed like a fair trade.” She looked back at Anders. “But then, after everything that happened when we were trying to find your phylactery-”

“What about his phylactery?” Garrett asked.

“I tried to help find it and destroy it but it ended up being an ambush. The Templars were trying to bring him back--even though they technically weren't supposed to--so we had to kill them. Anyway, that really made me nervous. I wasn't technically an apostate at that point, but if the Templars don't respect the Wardens then I felt like it was only a matter of time before they went after me, too. I thought I'd be safer on the run with Zevran.”

“You killed Templars for Anders?” Garrett was shocked. This contradicted everything Anders had told him. “I thought the Wardens let a Templar join and follow him everywhere-”

“What?!” Salome cut in.

“That was after you left, Sal,” Anders explained. “It was horrible.” He went on to tell the story about Rolan, and how he joined with Justice and went to Kirkwall to try to help Karl. Salome's eyes got wider and wider. When she asked if his cat was still alive and he said that the Wardens who came after her had made him give it up, she almost broke down sobbing. She started apologizing for recruiting him, for recruiting Justice, for leaving him in Ferelden, and for not doing more to protect him. Anders tried to point out that some of her apologies didn't even make sense, but she kept insisting that she should have been there for him. It was eerily similar to how Anders had been acting recently. Garrett was just dumbstruck. Every time Anders had complained about the Wardens, he had assumed that he was specifically referring to the Warden-Commander. Garrett hated her for years because of what he thought she did to Anders. It was strange to find out that not only was this not true, but that her story of running from the Circle to the Grey Wardens and then running away from the Wardens was very similar to Anders'. Garrett felt very uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why.

It didn't get any better when they started eating. Anders always ate with his cup, plate, and silverware in a different configuration than anyone else Garrett had ever met, until he realized that Salome did it in exactly the same way. When he asked, he was told “Oh, that's how they do it at the Circle. I guess it's still a habit!” He started noticing that she also used mannerisms and figures of speech that he had assumed were idiosyncratic to Anders. Garrett had always thought that he and Anders had a similar background because they both grew up in Ferelden, but apparently Anders had been part of this whole culture that Garrett knew nothing about.

Anders and Salome also talked about people and events that Garrett hadn't been there for. He tried to change the subject to magic, which was something they all had in common, but the other two focused on discussing healing. Of course Salome would be a Spirit Healer who was also proficient in Spirit magic. That at least explained why she had gotten along well with Justice. Anders hadn't been this happy or talkative in months. Garrett recognized that he should be pleased and supportive, but he just felt left out. That was the worst part. He was with his partner, and someone who was supposed to be their enemy. Why was he the one who was excluded?

Garrett had been briefly hopeful when Zevran returned, but he didn't exactly improve the situation. He noticed that Salome's own boyfriend didn't even call her Sal, like Anders did. Why did he have his own special nickname for her? That seemed weirdly intimate. Zevran wouldn't stop talking about sex. Garrett learned that he was the only one at the table who hadn't slept with Isabela (not for lack of trying on Isabela's part). He'd actually only had a few sex partners, and almost all of them had been people who he was in a committed relationship with. Garrett thought this was normal, but he suddenly felt inadequate when he heard about all the no-strings attached sex that Zevran, Salome, and Anders had had with lots of different men and women. He knew that Anders had other partners before he met him, but it was still awkward to think about. Just when he thought that the conversation couldn't get any more uncomfortable, Salome mentioned something about a threesome she and Anders had had with another woman back at the Circle. 

“Hold on, you two had sex?” Garrett said abruptly, and too loudly. 

Of course Anders and Salome had had sex with each other, which he learned in great detail. They had done so many, many times; sometimes with one or more other people involved but usually just the two of them. Zevran didn't look bothered or surprised by this at all. He just calmly said that he needed to get some sleep because he had to meet someone early tomorrow morning. Garrett suspected that “meet someone” was a euphemism for killing someone, but he didn't want to ask. Anders, Salome, and Garrett went back out to the main area of the inn and sat at one of the tables there.

They didn't want to discuss magic or Grey Warden stuff out in the open, so the conversation went back to sex. Between the two of them, Anders and Salome had apparently fucked most of Kinloch Hold (which was referred to in coded terms). _Calm down_ , he tried to tell himself. _That was all in the past and he's with you now. And it doesn't necessarily mean anything that he's never been in a relationship before and the two of you can't seem to get your relationship to go smoothly. It's also probably a coincidence that this woman who he used to love to have sex with doesn't have any trouble talking to him or making him happy._

“Garrett, love, are you all right?” 

Garrett felt warm inside his chest at the endearment, which he hadn't heard in a long time. “Yeah, why?” he asked

“You look upset,” Anders replied. His eyebrows were furrowed. 

“It's just... Isn't this weird, hanging out with someone you used to sleep with?” He looked at Salome. “If it was bad, then it's uncomfortable, but if it was good, then doesn't it make you want him again? But your boyfriend is upstairs... That just seems wrong.”

“Are you talking about me or Anders?” Salome asked.

“Never mind...” Garrett said. “I should go, anyway. I'm getting tired.” He turned to leave.

“Er, I should actually go, too,” Anders said. “It was good to see you!” They went back to their respective rooms.


	2. Anders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Hawke gets kind of bi-phobic in this chapter.

It was very surreal to spend months preparing to die, only to find oneself still alive. Anders almost felt like he had been reborn, or that he was starting over. It seemed like he was feeling and experiencing things for the first time, even as they were very familiar to him.

He still didn't understand why Garrett had refused to kill him, and especially why he seemed to want to continue their relationship. He was taking a huge risk by even associating with Anders, and he would undoubtedly realize this soon and then leave. Still, Anders was overwhelmed with gratitude that he'd been allowed to borrow some more time with him. He idly thought about giving Garrett something to express this, but he wasn't sure what kind of gift said, “Thanks for not stabbing me. I love you!” He also didn't actually have any money.

It was nice to see Salome again. It was a relief to find out that at least one of the Wardens wasn't trying to drag him back. Anders was also happy to learn that his friend was free, and apparently spending lots of time in the sun with someone she loved. Neither of them had ever thought that would be possible. Garrett, on the other hand, seemed angry or something. Anders wasn't entirely sure. Garrett had been uncomfortable ever since they left Kirkwall, but actual anger was new. Anders was pretty sure that he had done something wrong (something _else_ wrong) but he didn't exactly know what it was. He tried to think frantically about what he could do to fix the situation. Was Garrett bothered by all the sex talk? That was unlikely. Garrett had been friends with Isabela for years and she talked about sex more frequently and more graphically than anyone had tonight. Maybe he spent too much time talking to Sal instead of Garrett? He didn't normally mind stuff like that, but it was still a possibility. Anders made a mental note to pay lots of attention to Garrett to make up for it.

When they were back in the room, he tried to talk to Garrett again. “What's going on?”

“You never told me that you fucked the Warden-Commander!”

“I thought I told you that we were in the Circle together?”

“Of course. I forgot that you fucked everyone there,” Garrett snarled.

_Everyone who was interested in men (and a few who claimed not to be) who was about five years younger than me up through fifteen years or so older._ “Nothing actually happened while she was the Warden-Commander. We flirted a little, but there was never anything physical,” Anders said.

Garrett blinked. “Why not?”

“She was with Zevran at that point. He was in Antiva while we were at Vigil's Keep.” 

Garrett looked thoughtful but he didn't say anything. 

“Honestly, I'm surprised that this bothers you. You knew that I slept with Isabela and you never had a problem with her.”

Garrett looked away. “That's different.”

“Why?”

“You barely remembered Isabela. You and Salome grew up together and then you two were fucking each other and studying healing together, and then she saved you from the Templars and the two of you were Wardens together. She was even best friends with Justice-”

“They weren't exactly best friends-” Anders tried to cut in.

“I'm just saying that it sounds so romantic. I can't exactly compete with that.” Garrett sat down on the bed, still avoiding eye contact.

“Are you missing the part where she left to be with her actual boyfriend?” Garrett had said before that he thought Justice hated him, and Anders wasn't really sure why. Anders had said something once, years ago, about Justice thinking that Garrett was a distraction (and he WAS very distracting), but Justice had never actually hated him. Justice had had a good relationship with Salome, but it was mostly based on mutual respect. Garrett wasn't responding, so Anders kept talking. “If I haven't been appreciative enough of everything you've done for me, then I... I mean, I _am_ grateful. What should I do to show that?”

“Why does it seem like everyone is bisexual?” Garrett blurted out.

_That came out of nowhere._ “Sorry?” When Garrett side-eyed him, Anders clarified, “What do you mean by that?”

“Well, there's you and Salome and Zevran and Isabela and Fenris...”

“Also Merrill, I believe.” Anders was confused. Where was Garrett going with this?

Garrett's mouth dropped open. “Are you serious?! Wait a minute, did you actually talk with Merrill about something other than demons?”

“We also discussed cats a few times. Anyway, that can hardly be considered everyone.”

“It's just odd... all these bi people having sex with everybody...”

That didn't even make sense, and it was a little offensive. “You can't possibly be saying that all bisexual people are promiscuous,” Anders pointed out.

“Well, no, obviously... I mean, Fenris isn't promiscuous...”

“So just me, then? Are you forgetting the part where I didn't sleep with anyone for years, and then I've only been with you for the past several years?” Anders tried to stay as calm as possible. He wasn't completely sure what he was being accused of, but he was pretty sure that he hadn't done it.

Garrett looked down at his hands. “I guess I was just wondering... We've been together for a long time. Do you ever miss having sex with women?”

“No,” Anders answered immediately. He had accepted that he would never have sex again a long time ago, before he came to Kirkwall. He still found plenty of people attractive, but anything sexual or romantic was so far out of the realm of possibility that he didn't think about it enough to miss it. Ever since Anders realized that he was in love with Garrett, he hadn't wanted anyone else, male or female. He was pretty sure that he'd already said all of this to Garrett before. Anders moved to sit down at the other end of the bed. “What brought that on?”

“I guess I'm worried that you used to fuck lots and lots of people, including women, and now you don't.”

“Are you worried that I'm going to cheat on you?” This whole conversation was bizarre. Anders thought he had been pretty open about his sexual history and Garrett hadn't been bothered by it before at any point during their (happily monogamous) relationship. 

“No. I think I'm worried that you won't want to stay with me.” Garrett was finally making eye contact again. “You said that you were never even in a relationship before, and then you and I started living together and everything. Did I push you into something that you don't really want?” He sighed. “You won't even touch me anymore.”

“You'd still let me touch you?” Anders' eyes were wide. “And yes, of course I wanted to be with you. I still do. It's been the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“So wait, that's why you won't even kiss me or anything?” Garrett asked. “Because you don't deserve it or some bullshit like that?”

“Well, there's also the fact that your mouth has probably tasted like vomit, recently.” Seriously, how could anyone get seasick that easily? And Garrett hadn't been trying to initiate anything sexual, either. It wasn't too farfetched to assume that he didn't want to.

Garrett rolled his eyes, but the rest of his face looked hurt.

Anders hadn't intended that as an insult. Garrett usually told lots of good-natured jokes, and he normally didn't have any problem with being on the receiving end of them. Anders tried to recover, quickly. “So, does that mean I can touch you now?” They were, after all, on a bed together on dry land, and Garrett was somehow still interested in him sexually.

“Just shut up and kiss me, you bastard.” Garrett grabbed a handful of Anders' shirt and pulled him forward.

Anders kissed Garrett's lips, tentatively. When he responded, Anders deepened the kiss and closed his eyes for a moment. _I can't believe I still get to do this_ , he thought. He reached a hand down to Garrett's pants and started undoing the laces. Garrett made a hungry-sounding noise and leaned back to give Anders better access. Anders backed away and guided Garrett to lie on his back on the bed. He raised his hips so that Anders could pull off his pants and underclothes.

It was almost reassuring to see that Garrett's dick was hard. Anders squeezed it, like he had so many times before. Garrett gasped softly and jerked his hips, the same way he always did, but everything was different now. Anders moved down to put his mouth around Garrett's cock. He normally would start by teasing with little licks, but he went straight to swallowing him all the way to the base. 

“Hunnh!” Garrett exhaled sharply as his whole body spasmed. Anders swallowed, and felt Garrett's hips buck up into him. He felt his own cock hardening as he did this. Anders' head bobbed up and down until his cheeks started to get sore.

Anders started stroking Garrett with his hand and moved lower to lick his balls. His mouth silently shaped the words “I love you” against Garrett's body. _I love all of you, not just your testicles_ , he mentally clarified. He continued down to Garrett's ass. He licked back and forth across the anus a few times, and poked his tongue in while his hand continued to work Garrett's cock. Garrett's body was shaking and he started making high-pitched whining noises. 

“Dammit Anders, just fuck me and make me come!”

Anders pulled his face away so that he could talk. “Of course. Where is...” 

Garrett pointed to his pack, which was on the floor. Anders looked through it and found a bottle of oil. His heart warmed slightly to know that Garrett still carried it around. Anders removed his own clothes and rubbed some oil on his cock. He went back to the bed and he noticed that Garrett had taken off his shirt. Anders knew Garrett's body very well, but he still paused to admire it. He was muscular, with broad shoulders, and he was hairy but not too hairy. Anders was briefly struck by how attractive his lover was, and he shuddered involuntarily. 

He knelt down in front of Garrett, aligned his cock with his anus, and pushed in. He belatedly thought that maybe he should've stretched Garrett out first because it HAD been a long time, but he wasn't sure if Garrett would actually let him wait any longer. 

Garrett, at least, seemed happy with the current situation. His eyes were shut and his mouth was slightly open and his face and chest were flushed. _I can still affect him like this. I can still please him,_ Anders thought. When Garrett's body had adjusted enough and he was trying to buck his hips up against Anders, Anders leaned forward and pinned Garrett's wrists to the bed. He started fucking him, gradually increasing the speed and force. He simultaneously thought _I forgot how good his ass feels. I am glad to still be alive so that I can experience this,_ and _Clearly I'm very shallow and selfish that I would even think that,_ and _My life might be an exercise in futility, but I know exactly what to do with Garrett Hawke's body. At least I can do this correctly._ Anders knew the best angle and speed to make Garrett start moaning. When the muscles in his abdomen and thighs started tensing, Anders knew to remove his hands and use one of them to stroke Garrett's cock until he came on his stomach. Then, Anders knew to remove his cock because Garrett's body was over-sensitive, and to jerk himself off while Garrett lay there panting until he spilled himself in almost exactly the same spot.

Even though he knew that Garrett felt distant from him, it was oddly comforting to see that their semen was indistinguishable from each others' as it mixed together. Anders laughed at his own disgusting and melodramatic thought process, and found a rag to help Garrett clean up.

He lay down on the bed, not sure if it would be welcome for him to start cuddling or anything. Garrett rolled them both over so that he was spooning Anders. It was always nice to have Garrett's strong body behind him. It almost felt protective. Anders almost started crying out of pure happiness. He forced himself to blink back the tears, because he knew that it would be awkward to try to explain. He could barely believe that this was real, and he knew it couldn't possibly last, but Anders still allowed himself to enjoy it. That night, he slept better than he had in years.


	3. Chapter 3

Zevran lay in bed, thinking about the interesting day he was having. He hadn't expected to meet the Champion and the healer again so soon. He had forgotten how tall they were. Zevran was used to Salome being taller than him, but the two men seemed especially tall, even for humans. And they were all mages! The last time he had been around three mages simultaneously was during the Blight, and Salome, Wynne, and Morrigan didn't get along with each other well enough to have civil discussions about magic. Zevran had long been accustomed to feeling like an outsider as the only elf in a group of humans, but being out of his depth in a conversation about magic was a new experience. At one point, he tried to joke about the myth that mages could turn people into toads, only to see three pairs of eyes glaring down at him. He also tried to change the subject to sex, which he knew more about, but this seemed to make the Champion upset. Zevran eventually decided to go to bed early. He had had an exhausting day, and he did have to wake up early tomorrow. 

Despite feeling out of place, he was not resentful that Salome was spending time with her cousin and her old friend. After he spent a year following her, she had spent the past several years following him. She left her home to come to Antiva with him and fight alongside him. Salome had even become almost fluent in Antivan. It was probably good for her to finally do something for herself. And Zevran, after all, had promised to storm the dark city for her. Compared to that, spending time in the company of attractive men was not such a sacrifice.

He heard Salome return to the room. She undressed and climbed into bed with him. “Hey, are you still awake?” she asked.

“Yes, amora?”

“Sorry I glared at you earlier.”

“It is no trouble.” He smiled at her. “Do you know what's wrong with the Champion? He seemed angry.”

“I think he thinks that Anders wants me instead of him.”

“Well of course! Anyone would be a fool not to want you.” 

She giggled at that.

He continued, “That does sound very dramatic.”

He saw Salome roll her eyes in the dark. “I know, right? Still, I hope Garrett doesn't hate me. You know, I grew up assuming that I was a disgrace to my whole family. I accepted that a long time ago, but if the only one who might possibly like me, hates me for personal reasons...”

Zevran reached over to touch her cheek. “When I met him on Sundermount and he wasn't so upset, he seemed like a reasonable man. I'm sure he will realize that you aren't trying to steal his lover away.” They both laughed at the idea.

“I hope so. Thanks, Zev.”


	4. Salome

Salome woke up while Zevran was getting ready in the morning. He said goodbye to her and promised to be back within a few hours. She couldn't fall back to sleep after that. It was too early for the merchants to be open, so she made a mental note to try to sell some of the stuff that they'd accumulated when she was at the market later today. 

As she was getting dressed, she heard a knock at the door. “Who is it?” she called out in broken Rivaini.

“Um, Salome? Is this your room? It's Garrett Hawke.”

“It's unlocked, come on in!”

Garrett opened the door, looked at her, and then slammed it shut. “You didn't tell me you were half-naked!”

“I thought we were family!” Did family members get dressed in front of each other? She vaguely remembered learning this somewhere, or perhaps it had been true when she lived with her family long ago. In any case, the Circle and the Wardens didn't have any sense of modesty so she sometimes forgot that other people did. She put on clothes, quickly. “You can come in now, I'm decent!”

He re-entered the room. He was looking at her oddly. “You even have the same scars as he does. He has a big one here,” Garrett touched his chest “that you don't have, but otherwise...” 

She and Anders had had similar lives before getting good enough at healing to prevent new scars. It was completely logical, but it sounded like Garrett was bothered by this. Salome tried to change the subject. “I have an odd question. Did Anders ever tell you his birth name?”

“Yes, but I've been sworn to secrecy. Wait, of course you'd know it too, never mind-”

“No, actually I don't know it.” Salome was impressed. Apparently, her cousin had Anders wrapped around his finger. Probably literally, too. “He never told anyone.”

“Wow. Even Karl?” Garrett asked, incredulous.

“So you'd be jealous of Thekla instead, if he were still alive?” Salome hadn't known Karl Thekla very well, but she remembered that he'd been a good man, and that Anders used to be close to him.

Garrett suddenly looked very uncomfortable. 

She continued, “Look, Anders couldn't love him or me or anyone else, so he didn't. He CAN love you, so he does. A lot, apparently, or he wouldn't have told you his name.”

“Love doesn't necessarily mean anything, though,” Garrett said. “I've been in love before. Twice, actually. I wasn't with them as long and it didn't feel as... much, or as deep or something, but at the time it felt very real and true, even though I realized later that it never could have worked out.”

That was a scary thought. It had taken Salome a long time to come to terms with the idea of being in a relationship, and even longer to be okay with the concept of love. Both of those were inextricably associated with the idea of Zevran for her. The thought that she could feel the same way about multiple people, even ones who she shouldn't be with... That was uncomfortable, and it led to too much doubt. She decided not to think about it. “So, is Anders' name something embarrassing? Is that why he won't tell anybody?”

“I... I really shouldn't tell you anything.” He was staring at an empty space on the wall. “Look, I'm sorry about how I acted last night. That's what I came here to say in the first place”

Salome sat down in a chair. She motioned for Garrett to sit down as well. “At least now you can tell Anders that I don't look as good naked as I used to.” She tried to sound lighthearted. Garrett just scowled. “What's going on with you and Anders, anyway? Didn't you live together for years?”

“Yes, we did. I don't actually have a house anymore, though.”

“And I thought you blew up a Chantry together? That seems like it would be some kind of bonding experience.” She and Zevran assassinated people together, but she wasn't sure how normal that was.

“No, actually. I mean, I helped somewhat, but he lied to get me to help him. I had no idea what was going on until afterward.”

“Ouch.” _Seriously, Anders? What the fuck? Wait, it sounds like this isn't really about me at all..._ “Do you know why he did that?”

“Apparently, he didn't want to put me at risk. He actually expected me to kill him afterward, to minimize my responsibility for his actions.” Garrett looked very sad. She wondered if he would respond well to a hug.

“Wow. That's not okay. You didn't deserve it.”

“I know. Thanks, though. Anders said the same thing. He keeps apologizing and asking what he can do to make things better, but I don't think there IS anything.”

Salome was still irritated with Anders, but mostly confused now. “But you're still with him?”

“I know, okay?," Garret snapped. "I want everything to be fine and happy but it's not like I can just get over it.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry, it's not your fault. I've just heard too many lectures about how I need to just let it go.”

“You know,” Salome said, trying to lighten the mood again, “I used to do this a lot when I was with the Wardens. I'd talk with people about their problems and sometimes they'd ask me to do something, but it usually seemed like they felt better after talking.” And then they'd like her more afterward, which is what she was hoping would happen here. It was too bad that she didn't have any gifts for him. “I kind of miss it, actually.”

Garrett laughed. “Yeah, I would do that with my friends, too. It's nice to be the one talking about my problems for a change. It actually does kind of help.” 

Salome was pretty sure that his approval of her had increased. “Will Anders listen if you talk to him about how you're feeling?"

“I've tried to do that, but he mostly just apologizes or contradicts me.”

“If he keeps wanting you to tell him what to do, would it work to tell him to shut up and listen?”

“It's worth a try? I don't know, this is the most he and I have ever talked about stuff like this.”

“Well, good luck! I hope it helps.” She tried to change the subject again. “So, is there anything embarrassing about Anders that you CAN tell me?”

Garrett insisted that there wasn't, but he did tell Salome about a free clinic that Anders ran while he was in Kirkwall.

"Huh, that's actually a really good idea... Don't tell him I said this, but he's probably better than I am at healing, now. I used to be far superior, of course, but I haven't had as much practice lately.”

 

A few minutes later, he was telling Salome about how he and Anders got together.

“So he said that he loved you and then asked to move in, right after the first time you guys had sex?”

“...Yes?”

She shook her head. “And you don't consider that an embarrassing story? Damn. I don't know what I would have done if someone said that to me. Run away screaming, I think.”

“ _I_ thought it was romantic.” Garrett sounded defensive, but he looked happy.

“Remember when I said that he loves you and not me? This is probably why.”

Garrett laughed, and then fell silent for a bit. She watched him. He seemed to be more relaxed. "It's weird to think that we're going to be fugitives now. How does that even work? I mean, do you have any advice?"

It was always odd to remember that the life she had been living for the past several years was considered unusual. She supposed that it would be difficult for someone to adjust to at first. "Well, I've never exactly had a normal living situation. I was pretty young when I was taken to the Circle, and I went from there to the Wardens, and then this. I don't really have much to compare it to. I guess it helps if you don't own a lot of stuff."

Garrett nodded.

"And, we only have the Crows after us, and they're mostly after Zevran. We kill them when they find us, and sometimes we'll lead them out of Antiva to set up an ambush. That's what Zev's been doing here, actually. It'll probably be more difficult for you two, since there are more people looking for you."

Garrett ticked off on his fingers, "The templars, the rest of the Chantry, Sebastian and his army, law enforcement from Kirkwall, maybe the Grey Wardens..."

Salome continued, "So, no offense, but you're not hiding very well. I noticed Anders from across the market and I wasn't even looking for him. You should think about trying to blend in better. Is your armor one of a kind?"

"Yes," he said proudly.

"Yeah, it's beautiful but you should think about something less conspicuous. And maybe stop putting paint on your nose?"

"That's a birthmark."

"Oh." Salome tried to think, feeling slightly embarrassed. "You could wear a helmet that covers your whole face!"

Garrett looked skeptical. "Wouldn't that draw more attention to me?"

"Not if you dress like a soldier or guard or something." She suddenly thought of another idea and perked up. "You could kill a templar and wear their uniform! That will really throw off the people who are looking for you."

"You know, you can just buy templar armor if you know where to look."

"Yeah, I know." She wasn't sure why he had mentioned that to her. Maybe he was trying to make conversation?

 

Garrett also told her about their family. He said that his father and sister had also been mages. She found out that she had a cousin who was a Grey Warden, and another cousin who was an archer. It was almost surreal. A few days ago, she didn't have any family at all. 

Garrett excused himself after that, explaining that he should probably go back to see Anders, who he'd apparently left in their room. Salome felt happy. The conversation had been a bit stressful at first, but she thought it had gone well overall. His approval of her might even be up to the friendly level. She hoped that she'd get to see Anders and Garrett again before they left the city.


	5. Garrett

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hawke brings up lots of issues and nothing really gets resolved, but at least they're talking to each other.

When he got back to his room, Anders was awake and pacing around in the room. “Garrett! Hello! What have you been up to?”

“Talking with Salome,” he replied. 

Anders seemed to visibly relax. 

“Apparently she says that you're better at healing than she is, now.”

Anders smiled with half of his mouth. “I've always been better than her but it's kind of her to finally admit it.”

Garrett took a deep breath. “Hey, can we talk? Actually, can I talk while you listen?”

“Oh-of course. What's going on?”

Garrett looked at Anders. “You tried to emotionally blackmail me. That's... really not okay. What were you even thinking?”

“Am I supposed to answer if you ask a question?” Anders asked, tentatively. “Or was that rhetorical?”

Garrett laughed softly. “Yeah, go ahead.”

“First of all, what are you talking about? Not that I'm saying you're wrong, but I don't remember doing that.”

“You said, 'You cannot care for me and despise what I stand for. You cannot claim to love me, then turn on me now.'” Garrett looked Anders directly in the eye. “How else was I supposed to take that?”

“Right, I remember that now,” Anders said. “I felt terrible about lying to you before that and I thought it would be better to just say that it was about helping mages without giving any details, but you kept asking questions and..." He stopped speaking, shook his head slightly, and then tried again, "I'm not trying to criticize you. I know you weren't doing anything wrong. I meant what I said more the other way around; that I am the cause of mages--or I was--and if you don't support the cause then you don't love me for who I am. There wasn't any kind of threat intended. It felt personal when you wouldn't help me right away, and you'd always supported me and what I stood for...” he trailed off.

“But that still doesn't make any sense!” Garrett tried to keep his voice calm. Fuck, this was difficult.

Anders sighed. “I know. I realize how it sounded and I shouldn't have said those things.”

That wasn't a very satisfying answer, but Garrett supposed that he needed to move on to other topics. “Actually, that's another thing I need to bring up. Why did you lie to me? Especially about separating yourself from Justice. I know he hates me, but-”

“He doesn't hate you-”

“Anyway, did you actually think that that was the only way I'd help you with something? You probably could have convinced me, but that's not the point. Even if I did disagree with you, you still need to be open and honest with me. I think I've earned that much.” Garrett felt like either crying or screaming but he forced himself to keep talking. “And now... I keep questioning everything you've ever said to me. I want to trust you but I don't want to feel stupid again...” 

It was Anders' turn to look away. “I don't... I suppose I don't have a good reason for that. I wanted to tell you but I knew that I couldn't, and it was easier to say something completely wrong than to get close to the truth. Maybe on some level I wanted to push you away, to make it easier for you to kill me. I honestly didn't think one lie would matter this much, when it would be overshadowed by something much worse.” Anders sat down on the bed, and looked back up at Garrett.

“So your excuse is that you were secretly planning for me to kill you? For months, while I was living with you? Do you realize how unhealthy and fucked-up that is?!” Garrett's voice cracked. He started to walk to the other side of the room, to try to do something to distract from how he was feeling, but moving seemed too overwhelming.

“There _is_ no good excuse. I should have done a lot of things differently, I know that. I don't regret what happened with the Chantry but I regret not trusting you when I should have.” Anders sounded sad, but calm. Why was this so much easier for him?

“So why didn't you trust me?” Garrett was almost shouting. “I've never given you any reason not to. You mentioned something about some things being more important than me or us; I KNOW that the Cause is more important than our relationship or our happiness or anything. That's the point! I probably could've been the fucking Viscount right now if I'd helped the Templars.” 

Anders' eyes started to widen. 

“Don't look at me like that, it was never something I actually considered doing, but it's the truth. We would've been the only two mages left in Kirkwall, but nobody would be able to touch us. Or honestly, if I really valued our relationship above anything else, I would have just hid in the estate with you after you moved in and refused to leave or do anything until the Qunari eventually took over. I know I put you at risk by openly helping mages, but I did it because it was the right thing to do. Do you get what I'm saying? _I'm on your side here_.”

Garrett stopped to take a deep breath. He noticed that Anders was watching him intently. “The past year, I was mostly just worried about you. Meredith was going crazy and you were up to something that you wouldn't tell me about and I knew that something bad was going to happen but I was too busy and stressed out to actually process anything. Now that everything's had time to sink in, I can't believe you you did that to me.”

“I am...” Anders paused, apparently lost in thought. “Even if you didn't help me, if it got out that you knew what I was doing and you hadn't tried to stop me... I couldn't put you in that position. That's why I expected you to kill me. I know you've always been there for me, but there's no way I could ask you to put yourself at risk for me. I'm not...”

“What, you're not worth it? Is that what you were about to say? I'm so sick of getting fucked over because of your self-esteem issues.”

“This happens on a regular basis?” Anders said, drily.

“I spent years thinking that you didn't like me, when all along you did and you knew I was interested but you pushed me away because you thought you would bring pain into my life or some bullshit like that.”

“Haven't I brought you enough pain?” Anders smirked slightly when he said this.

“No, the main source of pain in my life is the Templars. And the darkspawn. And the asshole who killed my mother. Okay, and politics, too. But really, the worst thing you've brought me is frustration.” Garrett sighed and sat down on the bed. “I guess this thing with Salome really came at a bad time. I always thought that I was the one shining light in your life, you know? You said that everyone else has screwed you over and hurt you and... okay, I know this is really selfish but it was nice to have a mansion and money and power and everything when you were a--what did Isabela call you?--'moody possessed vagrant living in the sewers'. Not that I thought I was better than you or anything because obviously I'm not, but I kind of liked taking care of you and buying you things. And now we're both homeless fugitives and I don't have as much to offer you.”

“You thought I was with you for your house?” Anders asked, incredulous.

“No... I guess what I'm saying is that you've always talked about how much you hated being a Warden and all the stuff they did to you, and I assumed that Salome was the one who hurt you. Now I find out that she actually helped you out a lot and she feels bad about not being there for you... I know I should be happy that there are more lights in your life, but I feel like I'm less valuable now.”

“Of course you're valuable, you're-” Anders started to say.

Garrett made an exasperated noise.

Anders tried again. “Sal _did_ leave, and everyone else has either ignored me or actively made everything worse. You're the only one who has actually been there for me this long, and it's always seemed too good to last. I know I let you down and I need to trust you. I... I will do my best.”

Garrett just stared straight ahead, trying to process everything. Apparently his expression was unreadable, because Anders asked “How are you feeling?”

How _did_ he feel? _What_ did he feel? There was a hard bed with a scratchy blanket. He would probably have to get used to that, now. The room was small and dirty, with no windows. His clothes felt heavy. Brown eyes and concerned eyebrows were looking at him. Garrett's body was blinking, swallowing, breathing. He said, “I don't feel good yet, but I think I feel better. Hopeful, maybe.”

Anders relaxed slightly.

Garrett moved closer to Anders, and put his arms around him. Anders buried his face in Garrett's shoulder--was he crying?--and hugged him tightly.


End file.
